


When Capricorns Write Badfics

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Black Humor, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Characters Writing Fanfiction, M/M, Pesterlog, fake show, gore discussion, poetry discussion, stoned gamzee being creepy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 04:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3515180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or: Sometimes it's better not to be in the same fandom as your friends</p><p>From Kinkmeme prompt: "The Signs as Bad Fanfic Writers"</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Capricorns Write Badfics

centaurTesticles [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious  [TC]

  
CT: D --> Highb100d, I know I have troubled you with this query too many times, but have you finished watching “The Adventures of **BROKEBOW** ”  
TC: No pRoBlEm wItH ThE QuIzZiN, bRo.  
TC: FaCt oF ThE BiTcH, i’vE FiNiShEd oFf tHaT MoThErFuCkIn sHoW LiKe iT WaS PiE In a tIn.  
TC: LiCkEd uP EvErY FuCkIn tItLe aNd cHaPtEr oF ThAt dVd.  
TC: FoUnD AlL ThE MiRaClE EgGs hIdDeN In iTs eLeCtRoNiC FoLdS.  
CT: D --> I am pleased to hear that, Highb100d  
CT: D --> Though you hadn’t said as much, I was afraid you hated the show, but I was wrong to assume  
TC: AcTuAlLy, i DiD kInDa GeT sOmE HaTe oN At fIrSt.  
TC: WhEn FiRsT gOt ThAt cAsE Up iN My hIvE I wAs lIke,  
TC: “WhO’s tHiS BuFfAlO mOtHeRfUcKeR lEeRiN At mE FrOm ThE pLaStIc? I dOn’T LiKe hIm NoR hIs JuNk-aSs ShAdEs.”  
TC: I sTaShEd It sOmEwHeRe So hE CoUlDn’T lOoK OuT aT Me.  
TC: BuT ThEn oNe nIgHt, I ThOuGhT, “HeY, iF A BrO WaNtS HiS FrIeNd tO WaTcH SoMeThInG So bAd hE TrOlLs tHeM ThReE TiMeS A NiGhT, wHy sHoUlDn’t hIs mOtHeRfUcKiN FrIeNd jUsT PoP It iN HiS MaChInE? aIn’t lIkE I DoN’T GoT ThE TiMe tO SpArE.”  
TC: So i dUg oUt tHe bItCh aNd sLaPpEd iT In aNd i wAs hOoKeD LiKe a fIsH BlEeDiN FrOm hIs gLuBhOlE!  
CT: D --> It is an e%tremely addicting  
CT: D --> I remember watching it when I was but four and a ½ sweeps old and I could hardly bare to take my eyes off of it to attend to hygienic matters  
TC: YeAh, I AlMoSt pIsSeD MySeLf tOo cAuSe i cOuLdN’T HaUl mY AsS OfF ThE CoAcH.  
CT: D --> I had different hygienic matters in mind  
CT: D --> Anyway  
CT: D --> What were your favorite parts  
TC: I LiKeD AlL ThE StRiFe sCeNeS.  
TC: BlOoD GoIn aLl “PsSsSsSsS” aNd sPrAyIn oN EvErY MoThErFuCkEr lIkE FaYgO At a wOrShIpTeRrIuM.  
CT: D --> I enjoyed the strife scenes as well  
CT: D --> So many feats of STRENGTH  
CT: D --> What did you think of the rich interwoven story  
TC: Um, I ZoNeD OuT On tHaT. iT WaS ToO RiCh fOr mE, i tHiNk.  
CT: D --> That is a shame  
CT: D --> I feel it is a very inspirational story and it makes me feel proud to be an indigob100d  
CT: D --> I had hoped that you would e%tract some meaning from it  
TC: AiN’T SaYiN It dIdN’T InSpIrE Me, My fAnBrOtHeR.  
TC: FaCt iS, mAdE Me bLeEd oUt a wHoLe mEsS Of lInEs oNtO My lApToP ScReEn.  
TC: I’Ve gOt a fOlDeR Of ePiCs uP In tHiS BiTcH.  
CT: D --> E%cellent  
CT: D --> If it wouldn’t bother you too much, Highb100d  
CT: D --> May I e%amine your works  
TC: Um, I GuEsS YoU CaN.  
TC: It’s sTiLl lIl rOuGh, So mAyBe yOu cAn gEt sOmE CrItIc oN?  
TC: I AiN’T DoNe ePiC PoEtRy bEfOrE, jUsT SlAmS.  
CT: D --> I would be delighted to do that, Highb100d  
CT: D --> I do consider myself an e%pert, after all  
TC: LeMmE JuSt gEt tHeSe fIlEs zIpPeD Up.  
TC: KaRbRo sHoWeD Me hOw tHe oThEr nIgHt, I ThInK I CaN MaNaGe.  
\-  terminallyCapricious [TC] is an idle troll! –  
TC: OkAy, KiCkIn tHiS BiTcH To yOu, ReAdY To cAtCh?  
\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] sent centaurTesticles[CT] file “bRoKeBoW-VeRsE.zip” --  
CT: D --> I have downloaded the file completely  
CT: D --> There are an awful lot of documents in this file  
CT: D --> And you only just finished the series, correct  
TC: EeYuP, bUt i gOt mIrAcLeS In mY FiNgErS MaKiNg mE TyPe.  
TC: PlUs, ThEy’rE ReAlLy wHaT’S CaLlEd “DrAbBlEs”.  
CT: D --> I think I have heard Nepeta use that word  
CT: D --> I shall set myself to read these at once  
CT: D --> And I shall report to you the next evening  
TC: EnJoY! :o)

  
centaurTesticles [CT] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

 

* * *

 

 

centaurTesticles [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

  
CT: D --> Highb100d, I have e%amined your file and I’m here to report to you  
TC: ToNiGhT? wAsN’T It lIkE, tHrEe nIgHtS AgO, yOu wErE SuPpOsEd tO RePoRt yOuRsElF? i’m cOnFuSeD.  
CT: D --> I am e%tremely sorry to have kept you waiting, Highb100d  
TC: NaH, i wAs gOnNa rEmInD YoU BuT I DiDn’t fEeL LiKe iT AnD ThEn i jUsT PlUm fOrGoT.  
TC: SoRrY, bRo. :0(  
CT: D --> No, the fault was all mine, since I have the STRONGER memory  
CT: D --> I completed reading your stories by the deadline  
CT: D --> However, I did not have the STRENGTH to face you with my criticisms, Highb100d  
TC: HeY, i aIn’t gOnNa bItE A FrIeNd’s hEaD OfF FoR GeT On wHaT I ToLd hIm tO Do.  
TC: LaY It oN Me. :o)  
CT: D --> Let me just gather myself for a moment  
CT: D --> Take deep breaths  
CT: D --> To begin with  
CT: D --> The cadence was fairly natural  
CT: D --> You kept a good flow though there were slow points  
CT: D --> The rhymes were very  
CT: D --> Unique  
CT: D --> You used some interesting word to create them  
CT: D --> I’m not sure “SlAuGhTeRy” and “hAuGhTiErY” are words  
CT: D --> You rhymed “miracle” with itself 58 times  
CT: D --> E%cept for the time you rhymed it with “hero cull”  
CT: D --> I don’t know how “f*c*s” and “:0)” are supposed to rhyme  
CT: D --> I don’t even know how “:o)” is pronounced in the first place  
CT: D --> “Sláinéd” does actually have precedence in Middle Alternian poetry but I’m not sure it rhymes with “fáintéd”  
CT: D --> I wish you hadn’t written it in your chaotic typing quirk for once but I have grown used to it  
CT: D --> You did appeal to all the senses, though i think i would have done without the two stanza long description of what a rotten seagull tastes like  
CT: D --> Your metaphors were obtuse at times and required a good dip into cultist dictionary  
CT: D --> I did not know there were so many variants on the word “buffalo”  
CT: D --> In conclusion, I think they are e%cellent epic poems  
CT: D --> For an uneducated mentally-impaired beginner such as yourself  
TC: HuH, rEaLlY?  
CT: D --> Did I anger you, Highb100d  
CT: D --> I can always sucrose-cover it more for you  
TC: NaH, i jUsT ThOuGhT I’D GeT SoMe kNoWlEdGe oN My sToRy-tElLiN.  
CT: D --> Perhaps you could ask your friend Vantas about that  
TC: I DoN’T ThInK My mOvInG PiCtUrEs mOtHeRfUcKeR GoT HiS InTeReSt uP On aNy ePiC ThAt dOn’t gOt nO MoThErFuCkErS FaLlEn iNtO FoUnTaInS Or hIdIn iN ReCuPeRcOoNs fRoM PiSsEd-oFf mAtEsPrItS Or sOmE ShIt.  
CT: D --> Yes, I suppose **BROKEBOW** is too sophisticated for his banal taste  
CT: D --> I cannot foist the task of schoolfeeding you on proper plot arcing you onto him  
CT: D --> I mean, gift him  
TC: So, YoU GoNnA ScHoOlFeD Me uP ThE BoNe bUlGe oN StOrY-TeLlIn?  
CT: D --> I was intending to and I have the notes ready  
CT: D --> I suppose there is no delaying the matter  
CT: D --> Highb100d, your stories are  
CT: D --> Rather dull  
TC: HuH? i tHoUgHt i hAd eNoUgH MoThErFuCkIn hApPeNiNs gOiN On?  
CT: D --> Yes, technically you do have events  
CT: D --> But your stories all follow the e%act same formula  
CT: D --> Namely, **BROKEBOW** goes out and gets killed in some gruesome e%plicit manner  
CT: D --> It leaves the reader feeling empty  
TC: BuT It aIn’t lIkE ThE CaNoN DoN’T GoT ItS GrUeSoMe oN ToO.  
TC: MoThErFuCkErS DyInG AlL Up iN ThE BiTcH.  
CT: D --> But the death of major characters must bring something to the story  
CT: D --> For instance, when **BROKEBOW’s** slain matesprit was stuffed in the refrigerator, that gave him the STRENGTH to fight the refrigerator elves  
TC: Oh, i LoVeD mE ThAt pArT! :0)  
CT: D --> Yes, it brought a tear to my eyes too  
CT: D --> However, **BROKEBOW’s** death in your stories brings nothing  
TC: It bRiNgS PlEnTy tO Me, BuT I GuEsS It’s aLl jUsT EmPtY RhYmEs fArTiN OuT To yOu.  
CT: D --> Don’t get me wrong, I thought the detail was very evocative   
CT: D --> When the Sickle People slashed **BROKEBOW’s** back and pulled his air sacs out, I could see them pumping in my mind’s eye  
CT: D --> But the reader doesn’t know why he died  
TC: HuH? hE DiEd cAuSe a mOtHeRfUcKeR ToRe oUt hIs fUcKiN AiR SaCs. DoN’T ThAt gIvE DeAtH?  
CT: D --> No, I mean the greater meaning behind why he died  
TC: He dIeD BeCaUsE ThAt’s tHe wAy tHe uNiVeRsE RoLlS. mOtHeRfUcKeRs sOmEtImEs gEt tHeIr dEaTh oN. :o(  
CT: D --> I’m not getting through to you  
CT: D --> Why does he die in your stories  
TC: BeCaUsE He’s a cHuMp-aSs bUfFaLo rUnNiN OuTtA MiRaClEs bY ThE DoZeN.  
CT: D --> You mean, you’ve killed off **BROKEBOW** dozens of times simply because you dislike the character  
TC: I AiN’T DiSlIkIn aNy fAkEy fAkE ChArAcTeR, tHeY AlL My bRoS AnD SiSs, EvEn tHe cHuMp-aSs bUfFaLoS, nOr tHeIr oVeRrAtEd aCtOr mOtHeRfUcKeRs bEhInD ThEm.  
TC: ThEy aLl pArT Of tHe mIrAcLe tHaT Is tElEvIsIoN.  
CT: D --> I am glad for once that you are not prejudiced  
TC: HoW CoUlD I Be pReJuDiCeD AgAiNsT A MoThErFuCkEr wItH An aSs yOu cOuLd fUcKiN BoUnCe a cAeGaR OfF? ;o)  
TC: YoU EvEr jUsT FrEeZe fRaMe iT AnD Go wHoOoOoOoOoOoA...  
CT: D --> Um, I have not  
TC: HoW CoUlD NoT SeE ThAt mIrAcLe? CaMeRaS AlL Up iN HiS ArEa aLl tHe tImE.  
CT: D --> I think I appreciate the character on a different level than you  
CT: D --> A higher level  
TC: I’M PrEtTy hIgH MySeLf wHeN I GeT On aPpReCiAtIn hIm  
CT: D --> If you don’t dislike the character, why do you kill him off in such a pointless manner  
TC: HeY, i gIvE ThAt mOtHeRfUcKeR A WaRrIoR’S DeAtH, tHe bEsT We aLl cAn hOpE FoR In tHiS CrAzY RiDe.  
CT: D --> In one poem he slips on a piece of soap and cracks open his head  
CT: D --> Is that a warrior’s death  
TC: WeLl, He dId sLiP ThE SoAp iN A MiLiTaRy sHoWeR So i gUeSs tHaT CoUnTs.  
CT: D --> I suppose I shouldn’t complain about the least gruesome death of the lot  
CT: D --> Though it was the most pointless  
TC: I GuEsS I AiN’T MuCh cUt oUt fOr sToRy-tElLiN AfTeR AlL. :o(  
CT: D --> I would never suggest that a highb100d abandon such a noble pursuit  
TC: YeAh, If yOu cAn fAiL YoUrSeLf aRcHeRy oVeR AnD OvEr, MaYbE I CoUlD FaIl ePiC PoEtRy?  
TC: BuT I DoN’T GoT No sToRiEs aNyMoRe.  
CT: D --> Yes, I fear complex plots are beyond you  
CT: D --> Though I hate to say it, perhaps a simple romantic plot would work better  
CT: D --> You can write something light  
CT: D --> That would suit your happy-go-lucky nature better  
TC: I’M GoNnA WrItE ThE FlUfFiEsT RoMaNtIcEsT StOrY EvEr  
CT: D --> Which pairing  
TC: **BrOkEbOw** <3< BoOtIe  
CT: D --> why would a noble indigob100d leader ever be with a mere dirtblood page  
TC: HeY, bOoTiE’S GoT It gOiNg oN!  
TC: LiKe, LoOk aT ThAt rAcK! hE CoUlD HoLd uP A WhOlE WaRdRoBe wItH ThAt mIrAcLe kErTiN!  
CT: D --> His horns are for slapstick purposes  
TC: He’lL GrOw iNtO ThEm.  
CT: D --> I doubt that  
CT: D --> The actor was already ten sweeps when he made the series  
TC: YoU DoN’T LiKe mY BeSt fAkEy bRo? :o(  
CT: D --> I would never say that  
CT: D --> Even he is important to the intricate mechanism that is “The Adventures of **BROKEBOW** ”  
TC: So yOu’lL ReAd mY NeW PoEm?  
CT: D --> I shall try to  
TC: OkAy, I’Ll gEt tHiS BiTcH SeNt uP To yOu nExT NiGhT!  
TC: AnD It’s gOnNa bE As lEmOnY As a lObStEr bOiL!  
TC: ByE BrO!

  
terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling centaurTesticles [CT]

  
CT: D --> Lemony?

 

* * *

 

 

  
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling centaurTesticles [CT]

  
TC: I GoT ThAt vErSe yOu bEeN WaNtIn, BrO!  
CT: D --> Oh, so you haven’t forgotten your recently adopted hobby  
TC: WhY ShOuLd i? It’s oNlY BeEn a nIgHt.  
CT: D --> Out of all the tasks you could remember  
CT: D --> Send it to me  
\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] sent centaurTesticles[CT] file “bRoKeBoW-MoUnTaIn.doc” --  
\-- centaurTesticles [CT] is an idle troll! –  
CT: D --> I have returned  
TC: WhAt yOu ThInK?  
CT: D --> Your rhymes are improving  
CT: D --> Though your cadence does falter towards the end  
TC: BuT WhAt bOuT ThE FlUfF?  
TC: Is tHiS MoThErFuCkEr aS LiGhT AnD FlUfFy aS A BlEeTbEaSt?  
CT: D --> It is aggressively fluffy  
CT: D --> The black romance is so tender and beautiful  
TC: YoU A BrOkEbOoT MoThErFuCkEr nOw? ;o)  
CT: D --> In the alternate universe of your story where the brownb100d is a cavelreaper general  
CT: D --> Making him slightly worthy of **BROKEBOW**  
CT: D --> It helps that he acquired a six-pack and “massive guns” in the meantime  
TC: ToLd yOu hE’D GrOw uP NiCe aNd rIgHt  
TC: BeT YoU LiKeD It wHeN BrOkEbRo aNd bOoTbRo gOt iT On  
CT: D --> I did find the sudden s*% scene on the base hallway rather jarring, but I must admit it was  
CT: D --> Er*rt*c  
TC: So iT AlL GoOd?  
CT: D --> I do have a concern  
CT: D --> I assumed this story would not end in **BROKEBOW’s** death for once  
CT: D --> Yet again you have killed him  
TC: I DiD? HoW?  
CT: D --> Bootie breaks **BROKEBOW’s** windpipe during the act  
TC: Oh yEaH, ThAt iS PrEtTy fAtAl. :o(  
TC: BuT At lEaSt hE WeNt oUt wItH A SmIlE! :o)  
CT: D --> That death made all the numerous other deaths in your story look dignified  
TC: OoPs.  
CT: D --> I must confess  
CT: D --> I see some of myself in **BROKEBOW**  
CT: D --> He is everything I want to be when I grow up  
TC: NoW ThAt yOu’vE TyPeD It, My tHiNk pAnS FiGuRiNg tHaT MoThErFuCkEr iS A DaMn lOt lIkE YoU.  
TC: ExCePt hIs tEeTh aNd hOrNs aIn’t bRoKe aNd hE OnLy bReAkS ThEm oThEr mOtHeRfUcKeR’S BoW.  
CT: D --> So you can see how much it hurts me to see a character I so identify with being abused  
TC: AnD PoOr oL’ sExYaSs bOoTiE’S LiKe oUr tAvBrO.  
CT: D --> Oh dear  
CT: D --> Now I see those allusions  
TC: MaYbE ThAt’s wHy hE GoT AlL QuIeT LiKe wHeN I ShArEd tHiS LeMoN.  
CT: D --> You showed your brownb100d friend this?  
TC: YeAh, HiM, kArKaT, eVeRyOnE!  
CT: D --> Including Nepeta?  
TC: YeAh, ShE LoVeD It bIg tImE!  
CT: D --> E%cuse me, I need to speak with my moirail

  
centaurTesticles [CT]  ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

  
centaurTesticles [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

  
CT: D --> We must talk, Nepeta  
AC: :33 < *ac wants to talk too!*  
AC: :33 < someone has a crush on you!   
AC: :33 < and on tavros i think  
AC: :33 < guess who!  
CT: D --> I already know who

  
centaurTesticles [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]


End file.
